Quantum Bayesian Networks

April 1, 2012

China’s Muppet Communiqué

Filed under: Uncategorized — rrtucci @ 12:01 am

It seems to me that cyberspying between the US and China is at an all time high right now, and destined to keep growing. As evidence of this, consider the following news articles. Note also the huge number of responses that these articles have elicited throughout the web.

In light of all this spying activity, it didn’t surprise me one bit when I read the following news item today.

WASHINGTON DC — April 1, 2012 — This secret communique, emanating from the highest ranks of the Chinese Communist Party, was recently intercepted by Julian Assange’s WikiLeaks organization:

To all venerable members of Chinese Communist Party:

Dear comrades, disturbing news is:

(1) Quantum Computer (量子计算机) has been called “Hydrogen Bomb of Cyberspace” and “Doomsday Machine” by American Imperialists puppet masters (these quotes obtained by venerable cyberspy number 1337).

(2) IBM already has blueprint for QC and thinks can build QC in the next 5-10 years. (this data obtained by venerable cyberspy number 1709)

(3) NSA is building top-secret cyberspying facility in Utah(cost of 2 billion USD = 12 billion yuan = 4 billion bowls of rice). Completion date: 2013, year of the SNAKE- not good. (this data obtained by venerable cyberspy number 3059)

Said General Secretary of the Communist party Xiao Xiao Shūjì:

USA is weak, heavily indebted country ruled by rich, 1% of people. China will counter American QC imperialist threat with 5 year and 12 year plans to build DRAGON QC. Cost of 200 billion USD = 1200 billion yuan = 400 billion bowls of rice (each bowl ALSO INCLUDES an egg roll on the side). Completion date: 2014, year of the HORSE- good luck year. Our selling bullet points: (for PowerPoint presentation to members of Chinese Communist Party)

  • Will build DRAGON QC in top-secret Foxconn-Lenovo facility, using smart, productive child labor, and world-class Taiwanese technology. Top Secret Facility will be called Lucky Golden QC Facility Number 1.
  • Will hire, at twice their current salary,
    • most diabolical executives from Goldmann Sachs to do business planning
    • best scientists from American and European universities to do scientific planning
    • phone hacking human hyenas from News Corps to demoralize competition
  • Will use DRAGON QC for codebreaking, development of biological weapons, monitoring of our citizens, and spying on other countries.
  • Will share QC technology with Iran, North Korea, Syria and Nigeria.
  • Will deploy DRAGON QC near US mainland, at our new Bejucal Base in Cuba.

Venerable Chinese super spy number 007 has been sleeper mole in USA since 1997. He or she graduated from Harvard. He or she worked at Goldmann Sachs under tutelage of Darth Vader (Lawrence Summers), but left Goldmann Sachs in 2012 because too toxic. Now he or she is highly paid lobbyist like Newt Gingrich. Venerable secret agent 007 advises: “America is China’s muppet. Let’s rip out their eyeballs”.

America is slow turtle. China poised to win QC race and dominate cyberspace.

“We’ve caught them napping.” (Custer’s last words).
(Hee, hee, this is old American joke, according to venerable cyberspy number 1200. Americans pretty funny)

Xinhua News Agency, official press agency of the government of the People’s Republic of China, has come up with the following inspirational posters to inform our citizenry of the true news:

Five minutes to midnight (Doomsday is when America builds QC)

Inside View of American Spy Agency NSA

The Heart of Darkness (in America)



  1. If you manage to rekindle another cold war I’ll bet the Bustle Skirts will become really fashionable 🙂

    Comment by Henning Dekant — April 2, 2012 @ 3:03 am

  2. Wow, hope no one took this seriously.

    Comment by anonymous — August 18, 2012 @ 2:36 pm

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