Quantum Bayesian Networks

April 1, 2013

Thurston Howell the 3rd Wins coveted Scientific Prize

Filed under: Uncategorized — rrtucci @ 12:00 am

You’ve probably heard of the Yuri Milner, Nobel, Fields, Turing, Abel, Wolf, Nevalinna, Polya, Clay, Dirac, Newton, etc., etc., etc. prizes. Recently, some mayor corporations have realized that academics are onto something very good here. They think this prize awarding practice is highly beneficial to society, so they are trying to incorporate it into their own ecosystem. Check out the following exciting news item that I came across today:

Thurston Howell the 3rd Wins coveted Scientific Prize
(Boston Globe- April 1, 2013)

Jet-setting from all corners of the globe, the top 3-dozen executives of mega corporation “Science Are Us” convened today in Boston. They plan to hold tomorrow a lavish celebration during which they will award the coveted Golden Coconut Prize to one of their own, Dr. Thurston Howell the 3rd (TH to his friends).

All conference attendees that we interviewed for this article thought that TH richly deserves the Golden Coconut prize. “TH is so brilliant! He reminds me of myself”, said one conference attendee, a “Science Are Us” executive himself. “TH is the wisest man I know. He gave me my first job at “Science Are Us” “, said another. “TH? That guy is excellent at everything he does. He can do math and physics, sing, dance, act, paint, play all sports, write novels, be a good father and teacher… better than anyone else in the world.” said another. “No one is more generous and altruistic than TH. Paul Farmer? Paul Farmer cannot hold a candle to TH. What has Paul Farmer ever done for me?”, said another.

The conference ended with a surprise announcement that a panel had been empowered to select in 6 months time the winner of a 3 million dollar prize to be given to another of the top executives of “Science Are Us”. The prize will be awarded to the proponent of the craziest untested business theory. Said a “Science Are Us” spokesperson: “A 3 million dollar prize given to one of our already rich top executives is sure to inspire and attract the best sort of young people to come to work for our corporation, and it will be invaluable in helping those insolvent youngsters to follow that path. This prize is for you, that half of the world’s population that earns less than 3 dollars a day. We think that the prospect of someday winning this prize will cheer you up, and induce you to learn more science.”

“Science Are Us” is at the forefront of its scientific field, especially when it comes to procuring federal contracts. It attributes its wild success to its academia-like practices and atmosphere. Just last year, it revolutionized the corporate world by instituting the practice of giving lifetime tenure to all of its top executives. Said a company spokesperson: “By giving tenure to all our top executives, we guarantee unparalleled stability to our company. Investors love us because they hate the uncertainty introduced by changes of personnel. They also like plucky executives that are willing to think out of the box without fear of reprisals by stock holders.”

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